Well, my inner happiness project is not coming along very well. My apologies to Buddha.
I took a few days to be ever alert to my inner feelings and tried very hard to extract joy. Is it that I just have a depressive personality? I think so and that in turn saps my energy and motivation. I think I would be content to stay in bed all day and read. But I know there are things that I have to do.
Okay, I’ve always been depressed, since childhood, of course because it was much less than wonderful. Not only were we poor (father lost his job, mother chronically ill), but I never got the feeling I was wanted, or at least the version that was me, was not wanted. There weren’t all the safety nets for people back then either, and my parents were too proud to take advantage of what was available. So we did without a lot of things.
I remember a course I took in college (I paid every cent of my education by working two jobs), where an assignment was to read a book by the author Nikki Giovanni. We were to then write a paper comparing her life to ours. I knew the gist of it was to show how much better our lives were than Ms Giovanni’s, and I tried to find that in my life, but I ended up writing a paper that showed that our lives weren’t that much different. I figured I would not get a good grade on that paper, but I did. I got an A. If I could write an addendum to that paper, I would add, that Nikki Giovanni went on the be a well known author who was helped by certain adjustments to society that didn’t impact other races. I’m not saying she didn’t deserve the assistance (I fell in love with her writing), I’m just saying, I didn’t have any such luck and here I am. To her credit, she took advantage of these programs.
Oh yes, the other Covid change for me. I came to realize that I am not a mean drunk. I am a happy drunk. All it takes is two sips of alcohol for that to kick in. And I have a one drink limit. So, what I have learned about myself, more importantly, is that I am a mean sober. That guy who let the door slam in my face, yeah that guy, I muttered “asshole.” Did he hear it? You betcha. And there’s more where that came from.
So I might have a tablespoon or so of bourbon now just to activate some motivation. Like I said, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere!
Adios
Musings over 50 